Nice Things Are Nice and Bad Things Are Bad
by ZweI The Penguin With a Pen
Summary: Team RWBY finds Wonder Wharf to be less than wonderful and decides to drown their sorrows in a round of burgers from Bob's. Shenanigans ensue, the Belcher kids gawk at RWBY's weapons, and the little Pestos try and cause chaos. Not really shippy but a mention of Bumbleby.


**((Written for the 'Character dressed in what you're wearing' prompt. I was wearing my Bob's Burgers tee shirt and had been thinking about a Bob's crossover for some time. H'OKAY SO LET'S DIVE RIGHT IN!))**

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"That was the worst amusement park I've ever been to, guys!" Ruby complained, sighing aloud again. The so-called 'Wonder Wharf' had been drastically less than wonderful. The only thing the four ladies had been able to wonder about was where the fun had gone.

The decaying amusement park in this seaside city was its main attraction, but the girls had not been attracted by it enough to actually go into the park. Even if the gentleman with the eyepatch tried diligently to get them to enter the park, there was no way any of them were going. The Scream-i-Cane roller coaster was noticeably falling to pieces, and most of the other rides were being replaced so they were inaccessible.

"Yeah, it was pretty horrible. Are there any decent eats around here?" Blake wondered aloud, her stomach growling loudly.

"Looks like there's an Italian place across the street! Jimmy Pesto's Pizzeria!" Yang noticed. She eyed the place through the front window. "There's a bar. They probably card, and I don't have my Scroll." She mused. Ruby noticed the vacant building next to them.

"Hey, check this place out! Bob's Burgers! A burger sounds awesome right now!" She suggested, pointing to the place next to the vacant building. The four of them decided on this place.

"Welcome to Bob's Burgers! Can I interest you in my buns?" A boy with bushy black hair who was dressed as a burger asked them.

"GENE!" A man yelled from the window to the kitchen. "Keep the double entendres a little less obvious! Make them have to think about it, at least." The man suggested. He must be the boss.

"Welcome to Bob's Burgers! What can I get you today?" A small girl wearing a hat with pink rabbit ears asked, approaching the booth the girls had chosen. She passed the four of them menus.

"Today's special is the Red, White, Black and Yellowfin Burger! It's a tuna melt with ketchup, a bit of horseradish, and our signature black garlic mayonnaise!" The tiny girl told them, Blake's upper ears perking up at the word 'tuna'.

"I'll have that!" She answered without further thought. Another worker, a girl bussing tables, widened her eyes at Blake's ears.

"Woah, are you a catgirl?!" She asked. Blake laughed.

"Yeah, I'm a faunus! We all have a certain animal trait." The girl smiled at that.

"Do you know any horse faunus? Like with a mane or a tail? Any trait below the waist will be fine, really..."

"TINA! We appreciate the weird stuff you enjoy, but please don't ask the customers about their horse friends!" A woman with a sharp voice told the bus girl. "Let Louise take their order."

"I'll have the 'Bet it All on Black Garlic burger. It says it won a contest?" Weiss asked.

"Well, it placed Second, but the winner came here right after to eat one! Also, it beat that idiot across the street!"

"Jimmy Pesto? He makes Italian food! Why was he in a burger contest?" Yang queried.

"Because he's an idiot!" Louise answered.

"I'd high-five you for that, honey, but I'm manning the grill!" The man mentioned. The boss must be these kids' father. So he was the Bob in Bob's Burgers.

"I'll take the New Bacon-ings burger! Bacon fries sound epic!" Yang ordered. Ruby perused the menu a bit longer.

"I'm torn between 'Baby You Can Chive My Car' and 'Pickle my Funny Bone'..." She finally mentioned. "I'll have both! I'm pretty hungry, and I can share one if I don't like it that much." Louise nodded and ran the girls' order back to the kitchen.

Two ginger kids appeared at the door. "We want to take the cat girl home!" One of them said.

"How do you know she's not a dog girl?" The other weird kid asked. Yang's eyes flashed red.

"You kids won't be taking my girlfriend anywhere!" She told them.

"Yeah! Especially since she's our customer! And she's supposed to introduce me to a horse boy!" Tina added. Blake didn't remember saying anything of the sort, nor did she see the harm in these weird kids' fascination. They wouldn't be taking her anywhere, though.

"What about our brother, Tina?"

"Jimmy Jr. is fine, but if I could meet a horse boy with a great butt, I wouldn't pass him up!"

"LITTLE PESTOS! Go back home and cause trouble for your dad, please!" The lady poking her head out the door to the kitchen told them.

"Our dad sent us with a joke for Mr. Belcher! Ollie has it!"

"I thought you had it, Andy!"

"OH NO WE LOST THE JOKE!" The two boys went into a frenzy, digging in their pockets and banging their heads together in a chorus of OW sounds. The two strange boys ran out the door.

"Thanks, Linda!" Bob thanked her.

"Don't mention it, honey! They weren't gonna crack jokes at my big burger boy!" She replied, trying to sound seductive. It didn't work that well, it seemed. Bob was still manning the grill. They could see his impressive mustache through the window.

"So Mr. Bob!" Yang began.

"Please, just call me Bob! Mr. Bob was my father! Well, he preferred Big Bob, but whatever. You were saying, Ma'am?"

"Ooh, Ma'am. I like that. So respectful. Anyway, do you give discounts to heroes and heroines?"

"Um, we comp meals for cops. Are you guys cops?" Bob asked.

"Not exactly. I mean, we fight crime and junk, when we aren't fighting monsters. Okay, how about discounts for people with awesome, technologically advanced weapons?"

"I don't think-"

"KEEP TALKING!" Gene and Louise answered simultaneously, cutting off their dad as Louise brought their food to them.

"I have an energy sword that can fire blasts of elements!" Weiss bragged, producing Myrtenaster.

"Really shiny!" Tina answered.

"PFFFT! I've got a katana that I can also use as a grappling hook, in tandem with the ribbons tied around my wrists!" Blake cheered as she took out he Gambol Shroud.

"Practical!" Gene responded, definitely intrigued.

"I used to have two gauntlets that fired like shotguns. Now I have one of those AND a cybernetic arm that fires like a shotgun!" Yang bragged loudly, showing off her arm and remaining Ember Celica.

"That's incredible! Where can I get one of those?" Bob asked her. Linda rolled her eyes.

"What are you gonna shoot at? Jimmy Pesto?"

"Maybe! He's not even really Italian, Lin! Poplopovich? That can't be Italian!" A crashing noise called their attention back to the girls. Ruby stood, poised for attack with Crescent Rose behind her back.

"WHOA! IS THAT A SCYTHE?!" Louise exclaimed. She had never seen such a weapon.

"Yes! It's also a compact, bolt action sniper rifle! Yes, it's also my husband! No, you CANNOT TOUCH IT!" Ruby delivered swiftly, morphing the scythe into its 'storage' form and placing it inside the holster on her back.

"Wait, you MARRIED a SCYTHE? Is that even LEGAL?" Tina questioned.

"This is the screwiest fanfiction I've ever starred in, by far..." Gene mused.

"I don't think we're the stars, Gene," Tina corrected.

"I'm not even a star, kids, and it's taking place in MY restaurant!" Bob complained. He would have to take that up with the writer later. Does ZweI really want to fight a dude that looks like Tom Selleck?

No, Bob, ZweI doesn't! I'd rather set a good example for the kids and settle it like gentlemen. Anyway, the readers don't care about that, so ON WITH THE FANFICTION!

"You'll never be stars, at least not with that attitude! I'm TAKING OVER THIS FANFICTION!" Louise claimed, punching at the fourth wall. Luckily, I'm just out of her reach. NOT TODAY, YOU WONDERFUL LITTLE PSYCHOPATH!

Anyway, so Ruby won the contest, obviously, and Bob gave her half off her meal. Basically, she got a free burger since she had ordered two. The food was incredible, the environment was really homey, and the staff was a riot, of course. The ladies of Team RWBY left their new favorite restaurant a monumental tip. Don't forget to tip your wait staff, folks. They have to eat, too.

"That place was really great!" Yang mused as they walked out the door.

"Yep, that Bob makes a tasty burger!" Weiss chimed in, licking her fingers that still held traces of black garlic mayo.

"Makes up for that positively awful theme park!" Blake added with a grin. Ruby was too busy stuffing her face with leftovers to pay a compliment, but she made an agreeable sound between bites.

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 _Recommended Listening:_

 _'Nice Things Are Nice' and 'Bad Things Are Bad' by the Bob's Burgers crew_

 **((How about that Burger of the Day, though? I tried really hard to work the red, white, black, yellow thing into the burger. Then I remembered there's a tuna called yellowfin, and that sounded like just the sort of out-there ingredient Bob Belcher would use.))**


End file.
